If you have not been following along on Facebook or Instagram, let me share my wonderful news: my tests and surgery went well and the results show that my lump was benign. HALLELUJAH! I am so relieved and thankful, most especially for the outpouring of support by all y’all. I am grateful for every prayer, positive thought, encouraging word and echo of love. It means so much to me. xoxo
I thought I was getting back to my normal routines after all that stress until I woke up yesterday morning and realized I had taken out my contacts and closed the container without adding any solution to it… Not a big deal, no, but in the 30 years I’ve been wearing contact lenses, I have never forgotten to add solution. It seems I’m not quite back to normal after all. There are a few things weighing on me.
Firstly, in the midst of all the love and support, I learned about the burdens and battles that so many of you are facing and I feel for you. I am heartsick to know so many people are experiencing health care debt far greater than mine for health care that has not necessarily resolved their concerns. It’s a broken system that puts undue stress on vulnerable people. I am having a hard time reconciling myself to that. Meanwhile, what can little ol’ me do for these great big burdens of others? Share them. In prayer at least and hopefully in more practical ways for those I know in real life. If you have other ideas, send them my way, and if you can vote, please please please do.
Secondly, my vision for the future has changed and that gives me peace and unsettles me at the same time.
Every time I move, I think, this is it, this is where I’m building my home and my life, forever and ever, the end. It hasn’t been true so far, so I don’t know why I thought it would be true now but in the back of my mind, I was planning a future in Texas. I’m not anymore. That doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t stay here; it just means, I have no idea what the future will hold but I’m less likely to cling to a place where the cost of health care will put a strain on my family every year and the potential of something “happening” will lurk around gathering power to stress and undo me all over again. Sure, things could change – either financially for my family or within the greater health care system. I’m ready to roll with either! But I’m also open to moving back to Canada or somewhere else for a new adventure (with, hopefully, better health care and social services for the people).
Lastly, this whole cancer scare has pushed me into an internal frenzy about work which has brought up all the grief I feel at not being able to practice as an Occupational Therapist. I am conflicted and I do not have a clear idea of my next step. I have applied for some jobs that would be fit… not even a response. I have tried to make a go of pro-blogging, but that’s a slow process that isn’t likely to pan out in a timely way, and it has made me focus on stats and numbers which I’ve never done and don’t really like doing. I just want to write what I write without worrying about SEO and sessions and all that. I greatly admire my pro-blogging friends because they are working their butts off and deserve every success. I’m just not sure *I* have what it takes. I thought I could try other entrepreneurial endeavours but I’m not sure I have what it takes for them either. I’m NOT afraid of a challenge, I am happy to hustle and work hard – if only I knew what direction to go but I don’t and this is unfamiliar territory for me. I’m a goal-directed go-getter without a goal and with a huge medical bill that doesn’t have time for my existential crisis.
All this is to say, I’m trying to carry on but I don’t know what that will look like. I do know that God answers prayers and this time, His answer aligned with my hopes. That is not always the case and that does NOT mean He is not answering. I do know that God has a plan for my life here and for my future, and that He will be with me throughout it all.
I am praying for the next step. I’m blogging as I feel moved and carrying on, sorta.
P.S. In case you’re interested, I have been doing weekly videos for The One Diet and making weekly changes including one that I only learned was a cancer risk factor because of this scare – maybe it applies to you too? Here they are, and you can also find them on Facebook in The One Diet group.